Night

And it was made clear today, that I’m staying put. It was where I wanted to be. And the answer was revealed today. It was a good start to the day. I sometimes wonder if there’s some supernatural being out there who can’t stand my delights. And that invisible being, screws the day, as it happened today. Ok, it was an after-effect that rolled over from yesterday.

I was absolutely confident. And I’ve never felt like this for ages. It was a great feeling. Talk about potential. Breezed through the test, but while the outcome is more or less, looking concrete and positive, some past antics are bound to come back and haunt me. And punish me. Hit me where it hurts the most. Hit me at that specific location again and again. It’s just going beyond limits. I may have not reached the tip of the iceberg, but I hope I don’t. Because that will spell destruction. A tragedy from where I could never wake up.

Regrets are my friends. They have accompanied me throughout. Even today, I felt a huge portion of it. While I’m working towards dumping all and starting afresh, the dough wouldn’t fall into place or stay. It will never. I’m contemplating like hell. Am I where I belong? Has this been the worse decision of my life? Only time will tell. I’m at the edge of the cliff.

I wonder if I’m ever interesting enough. Or this book is being judged by it’s cover? Or what drives them away? What makes them not bother? Fate can’t be blamed. I guess it’s the outlook. The lack of self-respect seems to be quite evident on the cover. And the lack of swagger and conviction. Who knows you better than yourself.

I wonder, where it all would end, and where am I heading to. Recently, I’ve been getting some brain food. Really good ones. Opening up my mind and I’m feeling great about it. I shall stop for my fingers hurt.

People, me.

People are stunning. It’s never easy to know their intentions. If you could clearly state someone’s intentions 100%, I shall salute you. With my wholehearted conviction, I would love to possess that power. But if we were able to read people’s minds, there would be chaos. Mayhem. It would be a destructive process.

If you have been around for quite a while, seen a good amount of stuff, met a good amount of people, been through some rough patches here and there, you may, agree with me, people are unpredictable. Of course, that’s the intention of nature. Or God. Whatever you believe in.

I hate being fake. I hate to be someone I’m not. I hate to develop fake relationships with people just for some favours in the future. Of course, I don’t mean I’m very straightforward or possess a sharp tongue. And I’m not advocating such a behaviour as well. It’s absolutely important to know, when to say what, and other stuff. Or when to do what. We need some restrictions or else, things will get very ugly. My point here is about being fake. I could see that aplenty around me. People acting, wow, they can be real good actors. They mingle around, boot-lick, swore themselves to others and act extremely close with each other. You as the observer, away from them, could sense that both are into something. Favours for the future. And there’s no true, genuine partnership or care for each other.

I’m a little like Holden, the protagonist from “The Catcher in the Rye”. I always have problems with others. I expect perfection. I expect people to be working towards becoming the ideal woman or man. I’m not myself. But Holden was really terrible. An annoying idiot who is just so, annoying. But in the sense of retreating from reality and hiding into some self-created shelter which would never be good at all, I’m similar to Holden. I can really hate people. I know I’m wrong. And that’s not how we are supposed to be. And I have terrible issues with consistency and finishing stuff. Talk about it, I even have issues beginning stuff. I’m annoyed with myself.

Now that I have put down everything in a simplistic form, let me get away. The name just doesn’t associates with me.

One

He popped into the lift
I didn’t follow him
If I knew he was coming
I would have brushed myself aside

He was just one of the many
The many I envy like hell
The many I would readily avoid
To save me from myself

I know fingers differ
But I wouldn’t convince myself
I know everyone has a time
I know the upslopes and downslopes
Well I thought it that way
But that never seemed to work for me

Fortune doesn’t favours the brave
It didn’t always did
It favoured the lowly
Atleast in my context, mostly

I wanted a path myself
But the doors will never open
The keys were there
But there were too many doors

Breaking down the door could work
But I do not have the strength
Strength and the clock ticking
They just don’t work in my favour
What a being am I
Blaming strength and the clock for all

While pouring this out
I’m lost and I struck it
I’m scattered like always
For that’s my natural being

He was just one of the many
The envy’s not on the stars
But on how depth isn’t rewarded
On how ignorance is celebrated

I may be the cause of my stand
Maybe I’m reaping what I sowed
Maybe I’ve got nothing to reap at all
But the journey will continue
Whether or not the light arrives
I will keep walking to the point.

I couldn’t believe I wrote a poem. My very first attempt. Well, I like it. Not a bad attempt.

Gaps

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It’s how I view things. To a good artist, even dog poo would seem like a beauty, and his creativity begins it’s manifestation. What about generally accepted beauties? Have an open mind. Try connecting things. The gap between two things. Explore it. Here, a crescent moon and a building. A bright red ray, connects them. By physical distance, they can never be connected. But through an artist’s eye, anything can.

Looking ahead

It had been a tough year. A year filled with heart breaks, confusions, tension, sleepless nights and frustrations. Humans are a tough load to deal with. There were occasional positives of course, I wouldn’t deny that. But life, as it is, the sweet could only be savoured after breaking open that thorny, tough external shell. Like a durian (a popular fruit, delicacy in Singapore).

The exposure to the cold, merciless side of humans has been an eye-opener. I couldn’t find a better term for this. It has been an eye-opener indeed. But I would love to thank the smaller group of people who were extremely supportive during this difficult period. People who displayed what it takes to be human. I thank them all from the bottom of my heart. It all happened and ended well because of them. But as life it is, tough times are beginning to show up once again. I have been expecting rosy times. But I didn’t realise what it takes to be a good man. The sudden windfall of responsibilities (quite heavy) and complicated situations are taking a toll on me. Or am I allowing that? I didn’t anticipate all these. I thought life would be same. How wrong was I. It is now, that I’m truly tested to toughen up myself and be a real good gentleman. There are no excuses. And I’m finding it overwhelming. Every denial or shuns, make me feel absolutely guilty. The kind of guilt that drives you to bang your head on the wall.

I have been always viewed as a gentleman. But I’m human, and I do have my flaws. Laziness and complacency is a disease of mankind. I know it well. Recently, my mind isn’t getting the occasional food to keep it refreshed. It isn’t learning. It’s getting empty. And an empty mind is the devil’s playground. The devil is dancing away in my mind, finally finding its new dwelling. But I’m determined to drive it away. As I’ve said earlier, I’m forced to change. I can’t slack anymore. I’m never going to retrieve my lost and wasted time anymore. Dammit have I ever realised that?

The year’s ending in 6 days. Doomsday didn’t happen. That was a slap to the believers (or rather those negative scums who just want the Earth to be perished without a trace). The funniest and perhaps weirdest group of people were the “preppers”. They were preparing themselves for survival if disaster strikes. And you know what I mean by disaster. It’s not a flood or anything that just affects one country. It’s Armageddon. And mind you, these guys are relatively armed with good education. But I’m left to wonder, what the fuck have they learnt in school? It’s funny, saddening and maddening. But God bless the world. We are alive.

The year was filled with scandals, corruptions and controversies. It all taught a lesson, both to the wrong-doers and the public at large. That nobody’s perfect. A person in an elevated position in his career, does not necessarily need to have an elevated character. What drives these very people to commit such mindless acts? I do not know. But hopefully, they will learn, get their dues and move on. We should too. Like I’ve said, no damn person is perfect. Not even the deities (if you believe in mythologies). But one thing I can’t digest, teachers having sex with students. A disgrace to the noble teaching service. Damn scums may you perish in hell.

Mechanical systems are susceptible to failure. SMRT, please come with better preventive maintenance routines and DO NOT PUT THE BURDEN OF COST ON THE COMMUTERS!!! Thank you.

I hate rapists. Talking about the 6 bastards who gang-raped a student in New Delhi (new in name but astonishingly backward in systems) and assaulted her with an iron rod, including inserting that into her private areas. And the government could throw the onus of protecting oneself to women. This wasn’t the only case in Delhi. A 10-year-old girl was found raped and murdered, and her body thrown into a canal at a remote village in Delhi. Put it simple, if I had the powers, in my court, rapists will receive capital punishment. In the process of waiting for their doomsday, they will be put through the most inhumane torture “therapies”.

All right, the year’s ending, and I’ve set some reasonable goals for 2013. This time, the goals are more for skills development. Man-skills I would say. And I’m excited to embark through the coming year. It’s going to be fun. New stuff to learn, new places to visit, new people to meet and the list goes on. I shall throw away the negatives of 2012, extract the positives, and move on to 2013 with a newfound grit. While negatives are still lingering around, I’m not gonna give a fuck and I just wanna do what I love. Breaking down walls helps at times. At least you know where you stand. Yeah, some extra people have got into my bad book. Good luck to them.

Probably this was the most misleading article I have ever written. I feel drunk. I get the point. Hope the reader does. I have a strong social sense. That forced me to step out of a self-centred write to addressing the things that have been kind of disturbing me. It’s good I allowed me fingers and mind to be lead astray. I’m better. A little, but it counts a big deal.

Merry Christmas & a happy new year!!!

Soul’s needs

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The day I fell in love with structures, architecture, the skies and photography. Despite the gloomy outlook at the top, just climb if you have to. Moving on is the mantra. It was a beautiful sight. And I’m still going on, with the same enthusiasm, capturing every beauty I come across. Afterall, you have got to find your own pleasures in life. And this is mine.

Relationships and the long road

It’s been a while. And the array of bad circumstances have forced me to pen down my thoughts. It hasn’t been a rosy affair. The preparations for my big day that is. While everything is falling into place, the human element has portrayed it’s true colours again. The path to beginning a new chapter of my life is filled with plenty of heart crushing events. And the human element, is the reason behind most negativity.

I’ve always wished for a world filled with peace. A world where everyone’s good. It’s impossible. And I thought this vision of mine could be achieved in the relationships of my life. Oh, how wrong was I. It frustrates me when people can’t keep up with promises. I’m definitely an exception in this aspect. One of the traits I’m fiercely proud of. I keep up promises. Of course, if I can’t, I’m quick to offer a genuine apology and open up new paths where the asker could embark on for help. Independence is in my blood. And I’m fiercely independent. And I thank nature for instilling this trait into me. Or else, I would have long succumbed to death. And due to my independence, I can put up with ingenuity, self-centredness, incapability and some of the worse traits of humans.

Many have forgotten their duties. Many shun their responsibilities. And I’m always in the receiving end. And ultimately, I’m forced to take up their responsibilities and get things done. It gives me a sense of pride. That I’m always there for everyone. That I’m the “go to” person. That I’m the one who accepts everything that comes on the way. But unfortunately, I’m human. And I do have my limitations. I do have the frequent heart crushing moments. Why cant people deliver what they promised? Why can’t people carry out their duties diligently? Why can’t the elevated lend out their hands to the lower? And why can’t the elders understand and offer genuine support to the younger? Ego?

It’s a pity. And it’s frightening to see where humans are heading. Especially those I do know of. Scattered relationships that have taken a plunge down to the deepest of oceans. Returning is out of the equation. Relationships that have proven that they can’t be counted on. Some turn a blind eye when they know or see you going through the most toughest of trials. Some come up to you pledging their efforts, but eventually fade away into the thick of events. Did we ask for your assistance? No. Then why toy around with us? Some have forgotten the fact of existence. Or rather, they take cover under the element of infrequency. An array of individuals and groups. It’s all colourful yeah. But too much exposure to high definition colours isn’t good for the eye. Likewise, the individual suffers when he’s put through countless trials and exposed to too many negative people. Whether he emerges victorious with the lessons gained, or turns into a vicious psychopath, depends on his mental capacity.

Many have spit venomous words. Many have coiled around me like a python to crush my bones. But somehow, the strength to carry on has brought me a long way. Some conscious or unconscious detours on the way. And I’m embarking on a path unknown. But the lessons are interesting. The trials are painful, but manageable. My destiny is clear, but the path’s a question. uncertainty has forged a close relationship with me, and offers itself in drips. I’m sometimes caught napping. But usually prepared, thanks to the insights gained from the various situations. I’m going through vagabondage. Sometimes caught off guard, and that’s where my body shivers, blood boils, head spins and an unexplained fear arrives. It’s hell. But I’m blessed. Blessed to overcome.

Every human I’ve met, has taught me a thing or two. Their negative attributes have taught me the right things. I know what should be done, for the future. And what to instill into the future generations. Sometimes, it’s good to dump stuff that don’t work anymore. Relationships should be given the same treatment. It’s pointless to cling on to people who are not making life any good for you. Occasional bumps could be accepted for maintenance. But a distance is a necessity. And while I’m putting this point, something reminds me of what is important. The beginnings arrive in a fresh state to the mind. And it all reminds the journey I have come through. Suddenly, shit turns into sugar. I’m proud of myself, and Liya, my pillar of support throughout this arduous journey. We are still learning.

As usual, I shall have faith, pump up some fuel and walk the journey. It will all be worthwhile. Just days away for my traditional wedding with Liya. It’s a new journey for us. Despite all those horrible situations, we have stood for each other and walked hand in hand. I shall take every negativity with a pinch of salt, and begin looking into the future with hope. That’s life. Moving on. Meanwhile, I just have to accept the fact that I’m not very lucky with relationships. It’s not my ego, but it’s a blatant fact that most in my life, do not have that elevated consciousness. Accepting all, is my nature.

May God bless us a blissful married life.

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